Off the Wall

As far back as I can remember I have used a New American Standard version of the Bible.  Well, there was that paperback “Good News for Modern Man” Bible from back in the ‘70s.  Remember that one?  It was illustrated with newspaper headlines.  We thought it was cool that it was written in “Today’s English Version.”

Now, I’m not trying to promote one version of the bible over another.  I don’t want to get anywhere near that argument.  I’m just saying that all the verses in my head are memorized in the NASB.  So when someone pointed out to me a particular verse in the King James I thought they were kidding, but there it was.  I Samuel 25:22, “So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.”

I’m not making this up.  It really says, “pisseth,” and it means just exactly what you think it means.  I guess the genteel scholars who put together the more modern versions thought the phrase a bit crude which is why it was later cleaned up to read “one male” (NIV), “one man”(NLT), “one man-child” (ASV), and “one male of any who belong to him” by the NASB.

Modern scholars cleaned up 2 Chron. 10:10 as well but I’ll let you look that one up for yourself.

Now being a guy myself I can appreciate how the word “man” became interchangeable with“one who pisseth against the wall.”Any guy who’s spent time in God’s great outdoors, especially in the snow, knows how wonderful it is to be a man.  But the scholars I read said the phrase didn’t just apply to grownups or soldiers but to any and every male in the family.

While most of us today might find the concept wholly inappropriate we mustn’t forget that back in David’s day they didn’t have indoor plumbing.  Still, I guess the thought of such a thing was so repulsive that modern day scholars apparently felt the need not to translate but to interpret the text.  Perhaps they were worried that if we read it as it was written too many of us would forego the facilities to write on someone’s wall.  But I think it’s important to remember that despite what you see on TV or portrayed in the movies or read in books and magazines men really aren’t that stupid…but they are different.

I’m not saying that men don’t occasionally need cleaning up but God made men they way they are for a reason and it’s not just to kill bugs or open stuck jelly jars.  Still, for some reason, even those in our popular church culture feel the need to apologize for our men.  Let me give you a good example:  My wife pointed out recently the differences between a Mother’s Day service at most churches and a Father’s Day service.  On Mom’s day she gets a flower and we celebrate the hard-working, tireless, loving, giving, Proverbs 31 woman.  Indeed she is great and worthy of praise.  But what do we hear on Father’s day?  Usually it’s about all the things we dad’s could be doing to be a better Father.

I know dads aren’t perfect but we’re not always wrong, either.  For example if we’re going camping and my son, after repeated reminders, still forgets his sleeping bag Dad says, too bad.  Sleep in the cold.  He won’t forget it next time.  Mom, however, will drive 100 miles to the nearest Wal-Mart so her little boy won’t get sick.  Mom is taking care of her baby.  Dad knows what it takes to be a responsible man.  Neither is right.  Neither is wrong.   Unless you ask Child Protective Services.

Now, let me be very, very clear.  I am NOT advocating that your men and boys go out right now and stain someone’s fence.  That’s not acceptable.  But men need to have the freedom to be different.  They need to know it’s OK to follow their hearts.  They need to be encouraged to take chances.  They need to be inspired to lead.  They need to have the freedom…to be men.  Just stay away from the wall.

Matt Mosler is the author of Way Off Base.